That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
