I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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