I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Couch. On fire.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
