I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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