Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
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