Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
