I wish I could teleport
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
