Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
