I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
