Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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