Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
