Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
