I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
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This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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