I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Randomize
