He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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