come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
