one two three fourrrrnication!
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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