You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
