Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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