God, you're like boner-b-gone
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
