well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
