beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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