All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
