barbara walters just said penis...
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
