i think i have two assholes
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
