My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
