so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
