I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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