He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
