Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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