I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
