He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
