the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
