so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
