Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
