please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
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