Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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