I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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