What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize