My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
