Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
