Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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