I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
