had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
