yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
