Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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