I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
