The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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