dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
