Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
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