Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
