I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
