I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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