if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
