Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Randomize
