I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
