lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
