I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
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I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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