How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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