Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
