Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
