Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
